Bonesnap

An atheist was walking through the woods.  

‘What majestic trees’!  

‘What powerful rivers’!

‘What beautiful animals’!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. 
  
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.                                

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.  ’You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’ ‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer’?  
The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

‘Very Well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

Brenda and Steve took their six year old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation,
they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they
were concerned about his rather small penis.
 
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.”
 
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of
warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
 
“Gee,  Mom,” he exclaimed.  “For me?”
 
“Just take two,”  Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father.”

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the Preacher’s
hand.  He said: “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine serman. Damned good!”
 
The Preacher said, “Thank you Sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
 
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that serman I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!”
 
The Preacher said, “No shit!”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place
where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she
replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”