Bonesnap

A father  watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he  reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.  Tears formed in his  eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of the world. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.  He went over to her to see what  work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two  spiders mating.
  
‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she  asked.
 
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
  

‘What do you call the  spider on top?’ she asked.
  
‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’  her father answered.
  
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’  the little girl  asked.
  
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent  question he replied ‘No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’
  
The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a  moment, then took her foot  and stomped them flat, saying:  ’Well, we’re not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.’

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status,
she consulted the family doctor.
 
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop
the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter
to be put on birth control and until then. talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
 
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her
about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.  The girl burst out laughing
and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry
about that!  I’m dating Susan!”
 

An atheist was walking through the woods.  

‘What majestic trees’!  

‘What powerful rivers’!

‘What beautiful animals’!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. 
  
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.                                

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.  ’You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’ ‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer’?  
The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

‘Very Well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’

Brenda and Steve took their six year old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation,
they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they
were concerned about his rather small penis.
 
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.”
 
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of
warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
 
“Gee,  Mom,” he exclaimed.  “For me?”
 
“Just take two,”  Brenda replied.  “The rest are for your father.”

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the Preacher’s
hand.  He said: “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine serman. Damned good!”
 
The Preacher said, “Thank you Sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
 
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that serman I put five thousand
dollars in the offering plate!”
 
The Preacher said, “No shit!”