A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place
where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she
replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
On 07.14.08, In Jokes, By Ironspike
On 07.14.08, In Jokes, By Ironspike
John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It
was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
“Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?”,
they asked.
“Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project” said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking
him completely out of his chair.
“Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school .”
“We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.”
“What did you watch?” asked Marsha.
‘The Ten Commandments.” answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking
him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, “I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.”
“I’m ashamed of you Son,” said John. “When I was your age, I never
lied to my parents.”
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse
right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears.
“Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can’t be too mad with
Tommy. After all, He is your son!”
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three
times.
On 06.25.08, In Jokes, By Ironspike
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she
volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.
“It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff’… and before he could say “Fuck,” the rottweiler ate him!”
On 06.24.08, In Jokes, By Ironspike
WOMEN’S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You’ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You’re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
MEN’S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let’s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I’d like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I’d like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d like to have sex with you.
11. I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I’m gay
On 06.23.08, In Jokes, By Ironspike
40-ish…………………………..49.
Adventurous…………………Slept with everyone.
Athletic………………………….No breasts.
Average looking………………..Moooo.
Beautiful………………………Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure…………….On medication.
Feminist…………………………..Fat.
Free spirit……………………….Junkie.
Friendship first………………….Former slut.
New-Age……………………….Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned…………………..No BJs.
Open-minded…………………..Desperate.
Outgoing………………………Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional……………………..Bitch.
Voluptuous…………………….Very Fat.
Large frame…………………….Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate……………….Stalker.