Bonesnap

Subject: Testicle therapy

Two women were playing golf. One tee’d off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please!!!! Please!!!! allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.

‘Oh,no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb’s still broken…..

A father  watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he  reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.  Tears formed in his  eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of the world. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.  He went over to her to see what  work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two  spiders mating.
  
‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she  asked.
 
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
  

‘What do you call the  spider on top?’ she asked.
  
‘That’s a Daddy Longlegs,’  her father answered.
  
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’  the little girl  asked.
  
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent  question he replied ‘No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’
  
The  little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a  moment, then took her foot  and stomped them flat, saying:  ’Well, we’re not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.’

The mother of a 17 year old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status,
she consulted the family doctor.
 
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop
the girl would probably result in rebellion.  He then told her to arrange for her daughter
to be put on birth control and until then. talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
 
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her
about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.  The girl burst out laughing
and reached over to hug her mother saying: “Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry
about that!  I’m dating Susan!”
 

An atheist was walking through the woods.  

‘What majestic trees’!  

‘What powerful rivers’!

‘What beautiful animals’!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. 
  
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.                                

At that instant the Atheist cried out, ‘Oh my God!’

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.  ’You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’ ‘Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer’?  
The atheist looked directly into the light, ‘It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

‘Very Well,’ said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

‘Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.’