For years I traveled doing consultant work. I really didn\u2019t get to stay at any one job location long enough to hang out with co-workers and bond by sharing teenage tales and childhood antics.<\/p>\n
However, a few years ago I landed a local gig. Now I have the luxury of driving to and from work, paying tolls, and sitting in a cubical. And yes, I\u2019m actually making some friends and sharing those tales that make all of us unique.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when I realized\u2026 sometimes \u2013 real life experiences can be more entertaining and more fucked up than any fiction.<\/p>\n
I call this post \u201cA Travesty\u201d.<\/p>\n
Years ago when I was young \u2013 mom and dad helped out a family friend by letting him move in with us. \u201cJohn\u201d was a good guy who was down on his luck and really didn\u2019t have anyone to turn too. He stayed with us for years. We never had any \u2018real\u2019 issues with him either. He wasn\u2019t blood but he was close enough to it.<\/p>\n
John wasn\u2019t a saint \u2013 like all folks he had his share of issues from time to time. \u00a0There is one story where he was camping out and rolled over into a camp fire while stoned \u2013 which is pure greatness.\u00a0 I\u2019ll post it later.<\/p>\n
Any way<\/p>\n
I have an older female cousin \u2013 I\u2019ll call her \u201cDee\u201d. \u00a0Dee was home schooled out of state and had not an ounce of respect for me or my sister \u2013 you know us being ignorant country folk and all. \u00a0Seems Dee was going to move in with my granny.<\/p>\n
My Granny lived right next to us.<\/p>\n
Seems our community had a cheap nursing school or something that she was interested in. Either way, it wasn\u2019t long before John set his sights on Dee. She was skinny and not bad looking and of course from out of town and didn\u2019t know him.<\/p>\n
Dee was stuck at granny\u2019s with very little to choose from in the way of guys \u2013 she set her sights on John. She played the \u201chard to get card\u201d but we all seen through that. \u00a0It wasn\u2019t long before they moved out, got married and moved on.<\/p>\n
Fast forward a few years.<\/p>\n
I graduate HS and moved to the city to attend college. My living arrangements all fall through and mom lands me \u00a0a room at John and Dee\u2019s place. It didn\u2019t take me long to realize these two folks had a very volatile relationship. They fought \u2013 and fought bad.<\/p>\n
I spent every minute I could either at school at work or at the $1 movies down the street.\u00a0 It all came to a head one night and John told me they were on the verge of a divorce. Then the next day he told me they decided to have a baby.<\/p>\n
Here I am, thinking \u201cwhat the fuck\u2026. that makes no sense what so ever.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dee gets pregnant and has little boy that I shall call \u201cTravesty\u201d.<\/p>\n
The fighting didn\u2019t stop (duh) and then shit hit the fan.<\/p>\n
Dee decides to enter little Travesty into a prettiest baby contest. How the winner is chosen is simple \u2013 each baby who is entered in to the contest gets raffle tickets (chances) that represent them. Each ticket was worth a buck I think. So, Dee would sell these tickets to folks and each one she sold was a \u2018vote\u2019 for little Travesty.<\/p>\n
I thought this was a pretty stupid way to try and determine if your baby is the cutest or not.<\/p>\n
Then the night came to turn in the tickets and from my understanding \u2013 little Travesty was behind in the polls. So Dee hedged her baby\u2019s odds \u2013 by buying all the unsold chances for Travesty.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not privy to the amount of money she blew. But I know this; I was at the house that night when she told John. John blew a fuse. John started yelling and when he walked off she drilled him in the back with the trophy that Dee just bought \u2013 I mean Travesty just won. Which then he retaliated with his strong pimp hand.<\/p>\n
Now, momma only raised one fool and she still lives at home. I had already been making plans to move back home when this college semester was up. I already had plans to go to a different school and shack with a HS buddy of mine.<\/p>\n
I had my exit strategy planned and I only had a few days left before blowing this Popsicle stand.<\/p>\n
Semester finished and I was gone.<\/p>\n
I saw John and Dee from time to time over the years. \u00a0Then not at all \u2013 I moved out of state and didn\u2019t see anyone except at funerals. Mom kept me informed of the status of folks and John and Dee stayed together.<\/p>\n
Roughly about 4 years ago I get a call from my sister. She is all giddy and excited and informs me that John is there and wanted to talk to me.<\/p>\n
The conversation goes something like this:<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cHey man! Been a while.\u201d<\/p>\n
John, \u201cYeah it has.\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cSis said you wanted to talk to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
John, \u00a0\u201cYeah, you know when you lived with us years ago? Well, did you ever mess around with Dee?\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cHuh?\u201d<\/p>\n
John, \u201cYou know \u2013 fool around.\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cGod no. She\u2019s my cousin.\u201d<\/p>\n
John, \u201cWell she said ya\u2019ll might have.\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cNo, I did not.\u201d<\/p>\n
John, \u201cOk. Here\u2019s your sister.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sister, \u201cOh my god. I didn\u2019t know he was gonna ask that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, *click*.<\/p>\n
Usually, I\u2019m quick with a comeback. This time, not so much. I had no clue where this was coming from and I was left speechless. To ask me if I messed around with my own cousin \u2013 absurd.<\/p>\n
I guess what hurt the most was I considered John more blood kin than my own cousin, yet he asked me something like this.<\/p>\n
I called mom and she informs me that John and Dee are going through a bitter divorce. And since Dee is a very vindictive bitch she led John to believe that little Travesty wasn\u2019t his but instead it could have been mine.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s just say my wife didn\u2019t find this very amusing.<\/p>\n
I blow it off and move on with my life. I knew that I\u2019d never talk to either of these numbskulls again.<\/p>\n
Fast forward years ahead to a few weeks ago.<\/p>\n
The family (my family) go and visit my mom.<\/p>\n
In the middle of the conversations going on between my mom, my sister, and her kid I hear that little Travesty was going away for 30 years.<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cWhoa.. back up what?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mom, \u201cI didn\u2019t tell you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cNo. What\u2019s going on?\u201d<\/p>\n
Mom, \u201cLittle Travesty got sentences to 30 years for rape and forcible sodomy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201comg.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sister, \u201cYeah, he\u2019s 22 and had been dating a 12 year old girl. They started seeing each other when she was 11.\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201cYou got to be kidding me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wife, \u201cOh, that\u2019s your other kid isn\u2019t it?\u201d<\/p>\n
Me, \u201c\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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