For years I traveled doing consultant work. I really didn’t get to stay at any one job location long enough to hang out with co-workers and bond by sharing teenage tales and childhood antics.

However, a few years ago I landed a local gig. Now I have the luxury of driving to and from work, paying tolls, and sitting in a cubical. And yes, I’m actually making some friends and sharing those tales that make all of us unique.

That’s when I realized… sometimes – real life experiences can be more entertaining and more fucked up than any fiction.

I call this post “A Travesty”.

Years ago when I was young – mom and dad helped out a family friend by letting him move in with us. “John” was a good guy who was down on his luck and really didn’t have anyone to turn too. He stayed with us for years. We never had any ‘real’ issues with him either. He wasn’t blood but he was close enough to it.

John wasn’t a saint – like all folks he had his share of issues from time to time.  There is one story where he was camping out and rolled over into a camp fire while stoned – which is pure greatness.  I’ll post it later.

Any way

I have an older female cousin – I’ll call her “Dee”.  Dee was home schooled out of state and had not an ounce of respect for me or my sister – you know us being ignorant country folk and all.  Seems Dee was going to move in with my granny.

My Granny lived right next to us.

Seems our community had a cheap nursing school or something that she was interested in. Either way, it wasn’t long before John set his sights on Dee. She was skinny and not bad looking and of course from out of town and didn’t know him.

Dee was stuck at granny’s with very little to choose from in the way of guys – she set her sights on John. She played the “hard to get card” but we all seen through that.  It wasn’t long before they moved out, got married and moved on.

Fast forward a few years.

I graduate HS and moved to the city to attend college. My living arrangements all fall through and mom lands me  a room at John and Dee’s place. It didn’t take me long to realize these two folks had a very volatile relationship. They fought – and fought bad.

I spent every minute I could either at school at work or at the $1 movies down the street.  It all came to a head one night and John told me they were on the verge of a divorce. Then the next day he told me they decided to have a baby.

Here I am, thinking “what the fuck…. that makes no sense what so ever.”

Dee gets pregnant and has little boy that I shall call “Travesty”.

The fighting didn’t stop (duh) and then shit hit the fan.

Dee decides to enter little Travesty into a prettiest baby contest. How the winner is chosen is simple – each baby who is entered in to the contest gets raffle tickets (chances) that represent them. Each ticket was worth a buck I think. So, Dee would sell these tickets to folks and each one she sold was a ‘vote’ for little Travesty.

I thought this was a pretty stupid way to try and determine if your baby is the cutest or not.

Then the night came to turn in the tickets and from my understanding – little Travesty was behind in the polls. So Dee hedged her baby’s odds – by buying all the unsold chances for Travesty.

I’m not privy to the amount of money she blew. But I know this; I was at the house that night when she told John. John blew a fuse. John started yelling and when he walked off she drilled him in the back with the trophy that Dee just bought – I mean Travesty just won. Which then he retaliated with his strong pimp hand.

Now, momma only raised one fool and she still lives at home. I had already been making plans to move back home when this college semester was up. I already had plans to go to a different school and shack with a HS buddy of mine.

I had my exit strategy planned and I only had a few days left before blowing this Popsicle stand.

Semester finished and I was gone.

I saw John and Dee from time to time over the years.  Then not at all – I moved out of state and didn’t see anyone except at funerals. Mom kept me informed of the status of folks and John and Dee stayed together.

Roughly about 4 years ago I get a call from my sister. She is all giddy and excited and informs me that John is there and wanted to talk to me.

The conversation goes something like this:

Me, “Hey man! Been a while.”

John, “Yeah it has.”

Me, “Sis said you wanted to talk to me.”

John,  “Yeah, you know when you lived with us years ago? Well, did you ever mess around with Dee?”

Me, “Huh?”

John, “You know – fool around.”

Me, “God no. She’s my cousin.”

John, “Well she said ya’ll might have.”

Me, “No, I did not.”

John, “Ok. Here’s your sister.”

Sister, “Oh my god. I didn’t know he was gonna ask that.”

Me, *click*.

Usually, I’m quick with a comeback. This time, not so much. I had no clue where this was coming from and I was left speechless. To ask me if I messed around with my own cousin – absurd.

I guess what hurt the most was I considered John more blood kin than my own cousin, yet he asked me something like this.

I called mom and she informs me that John and Dee are going through a bitter divorce. And since Dee is a very vindictive bitch she led John to believe that little Travesty wasn’t his but instead it could have been mine.

Let’s just say my wife didn’t find this very amusing.

I blow it off and move on with my life. I knew that I’d never talk to either of these numbskulls again.

Fast forward years ahead to a few weeks ago.

The family (my family) go and visit my mom.

In the middle of the conversations going on between my mom, my sister, and her kid I hear that little Travesty was going away for 30 years.

Me, “Whoa.. back up what?”

Mom, “I didn’t tell you?”

Me, “No. What’s going on?”

Mom, “Little Travesty got sentences to 30 years for rape and forcible sodomy.”

Me, “omg.”

Sister, “Yeah, he’s 22 and had been dating a 12 year old girl. They started seeing each other when she was 11.”

Me, “You got to be kidding me.”

Wife, “Oh, that’s your other kid isn’t it?”

Me, “….”

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